Staff Picks: Restaurants

Boston's Some Other Magazine (Published September, 2005)

I thought it odd that my first two assignments here at Some Other Magazine did not truly cater (haha! That pun was SO intended!) to my greatest strength, that being my impeccably discerning palate. Oh sure, reviewing indie bands and foreign porn is all well and good, but it wasn't until I got this, my first "food critic" assignment, that I really felt like a true contributor to the team here.

That being said, when I was given the choice of restaurants to review, this food critic found myself...

...uh...himself...itself?

...

...Sorry, I'm all confused now. I'm starting this paragraph over.

That being said, when I was given the choice of restaurants to review, I found myself torn between exploring new venues of potential culinary masterwork, or sticking with the familiar and comfortable comestible environments that I already frequent around this great city of ours. Dare I venture out into uncharted territory on this, my maiden foodvoyage for the fine folks at S.O.M? Dare I risk being unable to finish my review as a result of having been unknowingly served something like "horse," "fiberglass," or "testicle?" Oh, if only I had learned to read!

Eventually, after hours of heated internal debate, I decided to go the safer route, so I picked a reliable and familiar eatery, one I could trust to produce foodstuffs that I knew I could ingest without regretting the time I traded my "life-alert" necklace for that donkey, and yet one I could remain perfectly objective about.

Actually, no. After hours of heated internal debate, I took a nap. THEN I picked a safe and familiar eatery...that being the cafeteria at my workplace. Now, since my job is not at one of your larger institutional environments, the "cafeteria" at my workplace consists of three vending machines and a 1983 Sanyo microwave.

The ambience and atmosphere were perfect for both the cuisine and the clientele. The room is coolly lit by flourescent lighting, hidden in six panels of the ultrahip, "industrial" styrofoam drop-ceiling, with just a touch of warmth given off by the two Exit signs. Three of the five folding chairs (including the one I sat in) are extremely comfortable, and the other two aren't bad if you don't mind a wobbly leg or missing padding. Seating is first-come, first-served.

For an appetizer, I selected the "Cheetos Crunchy" ($0.60, C2) and was pleasantly rewarded. The texture was perfect, the flavor exquisitely delicate, and the orange residue left on my digits provided an extra dash of both style and grace to my usual mid-afternoon displays of both "Jazz Hands" and "Spirit Fingers."

For my entrée, I chose a house specialty, "Mr. Nature Unsalted Mix N' Yogurt." ($0.75, F6) I wasn't sure what beverage would best compliment my meal, so I chose a Hawaiian Punch, ($1.00, 2nd button from the bottom) probably the most versatile item on the drink menu. The Hawaiian Punch didn't have a vintage, but it tasted like either a 2002 or 2003. (The 2004's I have found to have a sharper bite, but they lack the silky smooth viscosity of the previous two years.)

The Mix N' Yogurt was, as always, superb. The delightful blend of roasted almonds and peanuts exquisitely balanced the sunflower seed kernels, and the lot was topped off with plump, delicious raisins and exceptionally mouthwatering vanilla yogurt turds. The combination of flavors and textures was delectably aperitive, like rubbing your toungue all over a rainbow, and I devoured the entire portion. I will say however that their description of the item is a little misleading.

Quoting from the package: "Since time began everybody used nuts as a source of food. Mr. Nature continues this tradition by presenting you with flavorful nuts and dried fruits that are energy packed, wholesome and delicious. Mr. Nature, the best choice ... because we care. Enjoy!"

What the package does not mention are the little yogurt poos that, while bursting with vibrant vanilla flavor, certainly do not appear anywhere in nature.

For desert, I opted for the Quaker Chewy Granola Bar ($0.60, D3) which was honestly a little dry, but otherwise quite palatable.

The cafeteria at my workplace serves moderate portions, but the value is excellent and the service - though nonexistent - is superb. I highly recommend it to anyone who works at my company. And in case anyone who works at my company is reading this, I also highly recommend giving me a raise. And installing a cot with a blankie and a nice cozy pillow and maybe a few stuffed animals in my cubicle.

And some walls. I need walls if I'm going to nap.